Escape
by adorbskatic
Summary: "She can feel herself reverting back to how she was in the summer, in the months following her shooting, and she needs to get out, needs to escape the city's tight confines, and soon." Set post-47 seconds, pre-always.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Be happy I don't own them

All mistakes are my own.

* * *

 _Small talk, he drives_

* * *

She finds herself outside his door a few minutes before midnight and for the first time that night she begins to question whether or not she should even be here.

They've been weird lately, well, weirder than usual, but she can feel herself reverting back to how she was in the summer, in the months following her shooting, and she needs to get out, needs to escape the city's tight confines, and soon, but she can't (won't) allow herself to go alone. She knows that Lanie and her father are both busy – or so she tells herself – so she's left hoping that Castle will still be there for her when she needs him.

She raises her hand to knock then, decides she's going to have to face her fate with him at some point, and the sooner she does so the better.

She waits. But he doesn't come.

So she knocks again. Louder this time, more persistent, praying to a god she's not even sure she believes in anymore that he'll answer, that despite whatever is going on between them, that he'll be able to save her.

And he does open the door. Eventually.

"What do you want, Beckett?" It's harsh, the way he says it, and she tries, she really tries to seem as though she isn't affected, but she is, and his tone hurts and she finds tears welling in her eyes, tears she really doesn't want him to see. So she does what she always does, she starts to retract, starts to run.

"Oh, um, never mind," She gives him a small smile, one that definitely doesn't reach her watery eyes as she walks backwards down the hall. She feels the panic rising in her, tries to contain it for just long enough to get out of here, to get somewhere that he won't see her, won't witness what he's managing to escape. "It was stupid, sorry, I'll just… go."

She turns then, facing away from him as she walks towards the elevator, tries to even out her breathing, tries to stop the tears in her eyes from falling, at least until she's gone, out of his sight and presumably his mind.

"Beckett," She stops at his voice, sounding gentler than it did previously, still laced with an edge of something she can't place, but she doesn't turn, doesn't risk it. "What's wrong?"

She wants to laugh at this situation they're in, at how just moments ago he was basically telling her he didn't want her here and now he's asking why she's leaving. She doesn't laugh though, doesn't turn either, but she decides to answer him, decides that while she may no longer be his first – or last – choice, he's still hers.

"I need to leave." She doesn't share anymore, decides that if he wants to know, wants to care, then he can ask for some elaboration; that will tell her at least if there's a possibility of leaving the city with him.

"Are you okay?" His voice sounds closer now, he must have walked out in the hall after her, she can't be sure though. She thinks for a moment, contemplates her response. Is she okay? No, not right now.

"I'm as okay as I can be."

That works.

"Is someone after you?"

Oh.

 _Oh._

She looks down. He thinks she's being forced out of the city, that she's just coming to try to get him to help her escape.

And that's not true… until she realizes that it is.

Maybe she isn't being chased out of the city by a physical entity, but she is being chased by something.

"No," She decides is an appropriate answer. "I just need to leave, get out, not be here."

He's in front of her then, she sees his shoes in her peripheral view, her eyes focused on some spot on the carpeted floor.

"Kate," She looks up at him then, hopes that the tears are no longer swimming in her eyes, hopes that she doesn't look like as big of a mess as she feels. "What's going on?"

"I need to leave the city. I can't be here right now." She hopes her picks up on her silent request, _please come with me._

"Where do you need to go?"

Good, he's showing interest, asking questions, that's what she needs right now.

"Anywhere, Castle, I don't care, I just can't handle the city." He's staring at her still, so she continues, the rest of her thoughts coming out more rushed than intended, the panic she was suppressing beginning to make its way back. "It's too tight, too much. I need to breathe. I need to breathe and I can't and I need to leave."

"Okay."

He doesn't say anything else, doesn't answer her unasked question as to whether or not he'll come with her, save her from being alone.

She stands there for a minute, waits to see if he'll continue, but he just stares at her blankly so she asks him herself.

"Will you come?" The words escape her on a breath she wasn't aware she had been holding. "Please?"

She's pleading now, something she would have berated herself for months ago, but now she's too far gone to care.

He stares at her for a moment, appears to be contemplating her request, causing her stomach to tighten because if he isn't sure right away it's clear he doesn't want to go.

She starts to leave then, begins to walk around him before he halts her progress.

"Wait here." He says calmly as he walks back into the loft. She does as her asks, waits, because, well, what other option does she have. But he asked her to wait, and that has to mean something because he wouldn't ask her to stay there if he was planning to leave and not come back. No, he's coming back, he's going to take her somewhere, he has to.

"Let's go." She hears him before she sees him, but he has his keys and phone in his hand and the door to the loft is shut and he's walking past her on the way to the elevator and she's just stuck in her place. "Are you coming?"

"Oh, yeah," She smiles at him, not a big one, but it's something given her current state, and she hopes that he appreciates, realizes it means a lot coming from her, especially right now. "Thank you."

He doesn't reply, just holds the elevator door open for her when the car arrives and presses the button to take them to the parking garage once she's on.

They ride in silence. He places his hand on the small of the back as they exit the elevator, as he guides her to the car. It's not the Ferrari, which she's thankful for, instead a black BMW, still nicer than anything she would drive, but less obtrusive, less flashy, and exactly what she needs right now.

"So, where are we going?" Rick asks once they're both settled in the car. She's sitting with her feet up on the seat and her thighs pressed tight to her chest, resting her head on her knees as she looks at him, thinks of where to go.

"I don't know. Anywhere?" But by the look he's giving her she knows he won't accept that answer, needs somewhere exact, somewhere she views as safe. "My dad's cabin?"

"Okay," She sighs, maybe out of relief that he said okay. She hasn't been back since summer, but it's a place she feels safe, and right now that's all she really needs. "What's the address?"

* * *

The first hour of the drive is silent, apart from the occasional small talk. It's bordering on the line of awkward and not, and she can't decide which side they've fallen on.

"Thank you." She says eventually, deciding the silence has gone on for long enough, that some sort of actual conversation needs to happen at some point, so she may as well try to start it now. "Again."

"No problem."

His reply is void of emotion and she's honestly just confused. If he doesn't want to be around her, doesn't want to associate with her anymore, why is he here? Why did he even bother coming with her?

She's not sure if she should bring up their problems. Not right now, at least, not when he's so kindly helping her escape her problems, because really, that's all she's doing. Escaping. Running. Again.

So she holds her tongue, decides to wait until they reach the cabin to say anything more. That way he's allowed the chance to leave. That way they're both allowed the chance to be alone with their thoughts, instead of trapped in a car forced into voicing their feelings.

* * *

They arrive at the cabin a bit past two. She steps out of her car and begins to walk to the cabin, waiting for him to follow. She doesn't have a bag, neither does he. She assumes he forgot his in the haste of leaving, while she simply didn't care enough at the time to pack one.

He's a few steps behind her when she gets to the door. She bends down in search of the spare key, tries to remember where her dad left it after the summer. She finds it after she checks a few places (it was under a plant, how cliché) and stands back up to open the door.

She walks in, holding the door open for Rick, and takes a moment to breathe it all in. It's been nine months, she realizes, since she's been here. Nine months since she returned to civilization.

"So, this is it," Rick murmurs, turning to look at Kate. "This is where you spent the last summer."

"Yeah." She replies, barely audible. It's weird having him here, which is something she didn't even consider a possibility. It's weird because the entire last summer she was here wishing he could be with her here, only in different circumstances, and now they're here, together, and she doesn't know how to feel.

"How does it feel being back?"

"It feels… weird. I mean, I was such a mess last summer, I could barely get through the day and being here back then was _hard_ , but now…" She shrugs.

"Now?"

"I don't know… apart from the fact that I had just been shot, it's kind of the same circumstances as before."

Castle doesn't reply, just furrows his brow in confusion and tilts his head the slightest bit to the left, a look that urges her to continue on.

"I mean, I came here last time to escape the confines of the city, to heal… isn't that why I'm here now?"

And it is, she realizes. She needs to heal still. She won't stay here for months on end this time, probably only for tonight - or is it today now? - but she's still here to heal nonetheless, to get away from Manhattan.

"You're here to heal?" He sounds confused by that, and maybe he is. Maybe her 'I'm fine' act is better than she thought. Maybe he actually believed her when she said she was okay.

"Physically, I'm fine, but, god, Rick, emotionally I'm such a fucking mess." She waits for an interruption that doesn't come, not in any form more than an arch of an eyebrow, so she continues. "I mean I can't even be in the city right now without feeling like the world's caving in on me. I can't make it more than a few nights without being haunted by nightmares. I still have panic attacks. I can't even think of entering a relationship. I'm trying, I really am, but even therapy can't fix my mess of a life."

She's crying now, though she's barely aware until Rick's coming closer to her. Until his hand is cupping her face and his thumb is wiping at the tears trailing down her face.

"Hey," He whispers and her heart breaks at how gentle he's being, at how this is the most he's seemed to care in weeks, and that thought alone makes her choke out a loud sob. "It's okay. It's okay to be a mess, it's okay to not to be okay, but trust me, you aren't as fucked up as you think you are."

She doesn't answer him, just stares at him before wrapping her arms around him, anchoring herself to him, and letting the tears take over.

"You're trying, Kate, and that's all anyone can ask of you. But if you think you're wrecked beyond repair then you're wrong, okay?"

A sound escapes her that she's not even sure she recognizes, but he seems to take it as her agreeing with him.

He manages to guide them to the couch (thank god the living room is right by the entryway) before she collapses. He holds her against him, lets her cry, get everything out, for the better part of an hour. Let's her tears stain his shirt, let's her nails dig into the skin at his shoulders until she feels as though she's okay. Well, as okay as she can be.

They sit in silence for a bit after that, her arms still wrapped around him, though looser than before, and her head still pressed against his chest.

"Castle?" She speaks after a while, voice rough with from both tears and disuse.

"Mm?" He hums in reply.

"How could you have loved me?" She knows she's confessing to her lie by saying this, but it doesn't matter much anymore. Not when the love is in the past, not when he's already pulling away from her.

And he does pull away from her, although this time she expects it. This time she's prepared.

So she moves away, too. Untangles her arms from around his torso and moves to rest against the arm of the couch, stares at him intently from her new spot just a foot or so away from him.

They watch each other for a moment, she analyzes the hurt on his face, but notices that lack of surprise accompanying it. _He knows._

Everything clicks then. He's been pulling away because he knows that she remembers somehow and he's hurt and _oh_ this isn't what she wanted, not at all. But she doesn't know what to do, she doesn't know how to make everything alright for him so she just sits there, waits for him to talk, and hopes that she'll somehow be able to make this right.

* * *

A/N: Hey guys, I started this as a drabble and it somehow turned into 2500 words so whoops... will is going to be a two shot so I'll hopefully have the next chapter up soon (exams are next week though, so we'll see what my level of procrastination is)

Let me know what you think x


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I suck at updates, I'm sorry. Is it just me or is the second (or last) chapter always the hardest to write? (probably just me lol sorry bye)

* * *

The silence drags on for hours – at least that's what it feels like to Kate – but he still doesn't speak. He just sits there, staring at her, with this look on his face that makes her want to reach out and touch him, reach out and tell him that everything will be okay, that they'll be okay. But she doesn't. They're not there yet, and right now, she's not sure they ever will be.

So she continues to sit there, continues to wait him out. Because that's what he deserves. He deserves the chance to make her wait, deserves the chance to hurt her, because God knows how long she's been hurting him.

But time drags on and he doesn't talk. He makes no move to answer her question, makes no move to say anything at all, and at this point, she thinks he may never speak to her again.

She wishes more than anything that she could know what was going through his mind right now, be able to interpret what he was thinking just by the look on his face, the light – or shadows – in his eyes, like she used to. But even when he's caught off guard he still has that damn mask on that he's been wearing for the past few weeks and she doesn't know what to do about it.

She briefly saw the hurt on his face, the emotion that had oh so briefly taken over his features, but as soon as it was there it was gone again and she hates herself for doing that to him.

She eventually decides that she has to be the one to speak first. She gave him a chance, gave him an opportunity to talk to her or yell at her or do whatever he wanted to do to her _first_ but he didn't take it and he's still staring at her as if he'll never speak to her again. She's going to say something. She's going to try to fix them.

"You know." It's a whisper, but it may as well be as loud as a scream in the absolute silence that has taken over the cabin. It's doesn't come out as a question, she makes sure of that. "God, Castle, I'm so sorry."

She doesn't explain herself. She'll let him say what he needs to first. Let him be angry at her while it's still fully justified. Just let him have whatever he needs to have.

"It's fine."

But it isn't. She can hear in his voice that it isn't, and she really wishes there were more anger in his voice because that would mean he still cares but right now all she's hearing is resignation and she's not sure what she'll do if he gives up on her, on them.

"No, it's not fine. I hurt you, Castle, I did, and I'm so, so, sorry for that. I won't make excuses, because nothing can excuse that, but just let me explain… please."

He sighs, mumbles the word "okay" and Kate realizes that that may be the most she's going to get from him right now.

She lets out a breath, about to start her spiel, when she realizes that she has no fucking idea what she's going to tell him.

"Do you, um, mind if I just put on a pot of coffee first?" She's ruining this already. Asking for a break from this before it's even started... but coffee's their thing and she needs some time to separate herself from the situation, to think, so this is her best shot.

"Tea would be good," she feels her heart break at that. She shouldn't read into it, she knows that, but it's _their thing_ and if they don't even have that anymore, what do they have? "You know, time of night and all."

Right. The time. She'll write it off this time, allow herself to believe that's the only factor for the sake of her sanity. But she's still thankful. Thankful that he's giving her this time; thankful that he'll even listen.

* * *

She returns minutes later, two cups of chamomile in hand, with her thoughts no more gathered than before. But she has to explain, has to tell him _something_ , so she tries anyway.

"When I was shot –" she stops. She knows that the next words out of her mouth were going to be _I couldn't handle it_ , and while that may be the truth, it's not something that's going to help her case. "I compartmentalize," she decides on instead. "It's what I do, it's what I've always done."

"And?" His reply hurts. His tone's sharper than she's used to and it causes her to flinch, but she deserves it, really, and at least he's still sitting here and listening.

"When I was shot that changed. I used to be able to separate different situations, I guess, within an event, focus on one aspect without the lines blurring together, without necessarily associating one with the other. Castle, when I was shot that all basically went to hell." She lets out a breath before continuing. "When I thought about your confession, about how you told me you loved me, I was back to that day. I was back there lying in the grass, back there with the feeling of a bullet tearing through my chest. It took me a long time to get over that, probably a lot longer than you'd think, and by then we were back to normal and solving cases and I didn't want to screw up what we had."

She should have told him earlier, she knows that, but she was cowardly and stupid and there's not much she can do about that now.

"I just," _No more excuses_. "I was scared and I'm sorry. I should have told you, I should have let you know that I heard you as soon as I remembered, but I didn't and it's too late now and I'm sorry."

"Too late?"

"You've moved on, Castle."

He lets out a sigh and shifts further away from her – if that's even possible given how far away he had already been.

"What do you want from me, Kate? To just love you unrequitedly? To just put my life on pause in hopes that something that will happen between us even when we both know if never will?"

 _Unrequited?_ What on earth was this man talking about?

"Castle, no," She shifts closer to him as he attempts and fails to get away (she's really thankful this couch is as small as it is right now). "Rick, listen."

He stops trying to move away – probably due to the lack of available space and not the lack of need for space – and she takes his tea from him, places it along with hers on the table next to the couch, and takes hold of his now empty hands, waits for his gaze to meet hers. "Rick, I love you."

He stares blankly at her and she begins to think maybe she read this situation wrong. But no, he said 'unrequited', he had to still have _some_ semblance of feelings for her, right? Now she isn't so sure.

"Kate-" His voice, nothing more than a soft whisper pulls her from her thoughts, and she realizes she needs to create more of a case for herself before she loses him entirely.

"Rick, wait, just-" She closes her eyes for a minute, needs a second to gather her thoughts, when she feels him shift, feels his body moving closer, and her mind is at wits end because she thought he was going to pull away, she thought he was gone, but if he's shifting closer then that must –

The feeling of his lips on hers briefly halts her thoughts. It's soft and all too quick and she's barely registered what's going on before he's pulling back, placing a bit of distance between them again.

"You love me?" The way he asks her, with such awe and disbelief, causes her breath to falter. How could he think she didn't?

"Of course I love you, Castle, I'm sorry I made you think anything different." God, she's made such a mess of things and what she's about to say _really_ isn't going to help. "I still have a lot that I need to tell you and a lot that I need to confess, and I will, I promise you that I will, but I'm still not ready. I can't start anything that will last, not right now. Not with everything still going on, not with the PTSD, not when I'm still trying to heal. Rick, if we're going to have a relationship, I need it to last. I can't lose you."

"You'll never lose me, Kate," He pulls her into a tight hug and for the first time in a while, she feels like they have a chance. "Never.

* * *

A/N: I rewrote this 4 times (fully, not including deleting entire sections and rewriting) and I'm still not fully happy with it but I don't think I'll ever be… I hope you guys enjoyed! Feel free to leave me reviews and/or any prompts you would like to see filled! Thank you so much for not badgering me about taking over a month to upload a single chapter (also for all the lovely comments and reviews) you guys rock x


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